1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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