My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
