First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
