She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
