the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
