We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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