You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
