i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
