I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
