I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
