I feel like I'm in dance class right now
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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