Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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