So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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