The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
We're too hungover to prance.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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