M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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