you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
