I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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