We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
