i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
