i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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