According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
