i was born a porn star she said
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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