i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
