I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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