so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Found your dick twin last night
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
