I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
