i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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