Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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