also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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