We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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