I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
