im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
