I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
