I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
