My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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