Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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