that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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