Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
