I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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