you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
