When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
