No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
