uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
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