Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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