Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
