remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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