I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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