I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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