Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
