Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
