have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
